While on our cruise, Kevin and I booked an excursion to tour the Mayan ruins at Tulum. This involved a ferry boat ride from the cruise ship (anchored in the middle of the friggin ocean) to the beach at Tulum. Our excursion days earlier to Grand Cayman had consisted of a five minute trip on very calm waters. This trip was 45 minutes on ocean that looked like something out of The Perfect Storm. Let me tell ya, I was looking for the Professor or Mary Ann by the time we docked. Once on land, we boarded a tour bus for yet another 45 minute ride to Tulum.

We arrived at the site. Our tour guide encouraged us to visit the restaurant adjacent to the ruins after the tour. We thoroughly enjoyed touring the ruins. The buildings were magnificent but neither Kevin or I could stop looking at the beautiful beaches. White sand. Turquoise water. If you saw a picture of it in a magazine, you would swear it was photoshopped.

We completed the tour and found ourselves hot, tired, hungry and thirsty. How could we know how dangerous this combination would be? We grabbed a table at the restaurant. We ordered their famous tacos and a margarita. We were in Mexico. How could we not have a taco and a margarita? Our order arrived. Tacos served on a paper plate and Margaritas in a red plastic Solo cup. The food was ridiculously good and the drink was even better. We finished the meal and found we had a while before it would be time to return to the bus. We ordered a second drink. The waiter looked at us like we were nuts. We insisted. He served.

A little background may be helpful here. Kevin and I are not big drinkers. We share a bottle of wine from time to time. We have sangria or margaritas at Cinco de Mayo maybe once every six months. I knew that two drinks would get both of us a little bit tipsy but we had a 45 minute bus ride ahead of us. We’d sleep it off. It would be fine. We drank the 2nd margarita. The details I am about to share were gleaned from other members of our tour group. My memory of the whole shebang is pretty unreliable after #2 margarita.

First we bought souvenirs. International commerce should never be attempted while drunk. Learn from our mistakes people. We ended up with two luchador masks and a stone pipe in the shape of a foot. Neither of us smokes which makes that purchase a bit odd. Also, we have no idea what any of this stuff actually cost us.

Next we boarded the bus. At this point I am convinced that we are holding it together. I don’t think anybody is aware of our drunken state. And, people, we were beyond drunk here. Never have I been so inebriated. While on the bus, we did not sleep. We did, however, spend the entire ride talking loudly about Scientology. Let me just tell ya, if Tom Cruise had been on that bus, Kevin and I would have got our butts kicked. I am told that the rest of the tour group enjoyed it though.

We got off the bus and somehow made it to the ferry. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever ridden a small boat on a big choppy ocean while drunker than Cootie Brown? I don’t recommend it. We managed to not throw up which I felt was a big victory. At one point I overheard one of our group say something like “plus we have to deal with these two drunks!” Horror and shame washed over me. She was talking about us! I wanted to defend myself. I’m a good Christian with a low tolerance for alcohol! I was totally conned by that Mexican waiter! How could we have known that authentic Mexican margaritas are potent enough to inebriate Charlie Sheen?!?

We made it safely off the ferry and some kind of way made it back onto the cruise ship. It was very early afternoon at this point. We collapsed into our cabin and then this happened.

The details after that are a bit sketchy. what I can tell you is that we woke up around 7PM with massive headaches and regret. We ate large quantities of salty french fries and enjoyed the rest of our cruise.

**Note: The middle two pictures of Kevin were taken by one of his friends while we were on the bus. Notice the guy in the red behind him. See how he is laughing at us? We didn’t see these pics until the friend posted them on Facebook. Remember the good ole days when you could make an ass out of yourself and just forget it? Facebook has ruined that forever. I bet somebody has video of this incident. Should I ever run for public office, you can expect that bad boy to surface

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