The Sausage Ball Manifesto

I feel as if I have far too much to say.  If I could string even 2 coherent thoughts together, I could write a book about politics, religion or 18th century English literature.  But I can’t.  So let’s talk about appetizers.

Jesus is the reason for the season.  No doubt.  He’s first place.  But sausage balls are definitely the first runner up.  They are the perfect appetizer.  Good hot or cold.  Very portable.  And they are only for Christmas.  (You might be able to get away with making a batch for New Year’s Eve but don’t post pictures of it on Instagram.) No matter where you are invited for the holidays, you cannot go wrong with sausage balls. (Unless you are visiting people who don’t eat pork.  I am a respecter of all religions and faiths but I just can’t conceive of a loving God that would keep me from sausage.  Amen.) Usually your hostess will attack you at the door, whisk the container from your hands and start shoving the delicious morsels in her mouth while she drops your coats in the master bedroom.  Once your popularity as ‘the bringer of the sausage balls’ grows, people will invite you to parties just for your delicious offering.  This is a small price to spread joy to the world each holiday season.  Trust me when I tell you this.  Never make a single batch.  I make one round to shove in the mouths of my husband and children to buy me enough time to make 2 more real quick and hide for later.

Here’s the recipe.

1lb hot Tennessee Pride Sausage (sure you can use another brand but why?) (no, you can’t use mild or sage.  Don’t ask why.  You just can’t.)

2 cups of sharp shredded cheese (grate it yourself, trust me)

2 cups of Bisquick.

Mix it together.  This part is kind of a pain to be honest. But it can’t be helped.  Don’t even think about using your Kitchen-aid mixer here. Some things in life are worth fighting for.  Sausage balls are one of them.  Once it’s all mixed together, form it into balls, throw it into a 375 degree oven and watch the magic happen.  Cook them for about 20 minutes.  You want them to be golden but not real brown.

The key to this delectable concoction is it’s simplicity.  Don’t be led astray by internet idiots (other than me)  who will try to convince you that this recipe is somehow lacking.  People do this nonsense all the time.  I blame the Allrecipe website and the pervasive rampant narcissism in today’s culture.  Every dang body thinks they can ‘improve’ on stuff if they give it their own special twist.  To this I say “NO SIR!” This recipe doesn’t need a special cheese (not cream cheese, not cheez-whiz, not organic white cheddar made by Welsh coal miners), it doesn’t need grass fed chorizo and it does not need herbs and spices.  I was raised to be a lady but if I attend a party and you bring sausage balls containing thyme, oregano or rosemary, I will fight you.  I’m sorry but you’ve got to stand for something in this crazy world and no spices in sausage balls is the mountain I’ve chosen to die upon.  Also, don’t try to make this deal harder than it has to be.  I once heard a woman suggest that we make our own Bisquick.  What blithering idgit would even come up with such an idea?  What does your daily life look like that it includes enough free time to make your own Bisquick?  This gal’s toilets better be sparkling and all her closets completely organized alphabetically is all I can say.  I will mark ‘learn to tap dance’ and ‘re shingle my roof ‘ off my bucket list before making my own Bisquick.

They even make a pre-made sausage balls now.  You can find them in your freezer section.  And by all means, get you some.  Assuming you hate your family and the entire reason for the holidays of course.  Before you even ask, let me admit that no, I have not tried them.  Look, I’ve never tried ritualistic Satan worship either but I’m pretty sure it ain’t my cup of tea.  But the bigger question you need to ask yourself here is “Am I really too busy to mix three ingredients in a bowl?”  Because if the answer is yes?  Well, I’m not trying to tell you how to live but I think you might be too dang busy.

Friends, we live in a hard and scary world.  Sausage balls will not fix that.  But it might make you feel better for a few minutes and what more can we hope for in 2016?

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