You thought I bailed on this resolution too, didn’t you? Don’t feel bad. Based on my past behavior, it was certainly a logical conclusion. But I added 2 more changes in February and March.

Both of these changes actually started in January but I wanted to see if I could stick with them before I started crowing about my progress.

Habit # 2 that I am determined to change is nail biting. Good Lord, I’ve been gnawing on my hands like a wild beast for as long as I can remember. The only time I’ve been able to stop is when I have artificial nails on. And even then, I still constantly mess with them but they’re super strong so the amount of damage I can inflict is minimal. So starting in January, I just stopped. I wish I had some magic technique I could tell you about but I don’t. I honestly believe the nail biting is just one of the many ways that I tried to deal with anxiety starting long before I even knew what anxiety was. I still catch myself doing this but I try hard to stop the behavior as soon as I notice. It’s at it’s worst when I’m driving which I think is a good indication of the anxiety factor.  This, like weight loss, is not an instant gratification scenario. It takes nails a long time to grow but about a month after I started, I had enough growth to get a manicure. I am so ridiculously proud of these nails. They’re about 1/4 of the length I usually like when I get artificial nails but I don’t care. When I get compliments on my beautiful gel polish, I wave my fingers and cry “THEY’RE REAL!!!”

Habit #3 isn’t really a habit so much as a condition. For the entirety of 2018 I don’t think I went more than a few days without debilitating allergy issues. I’ve suffered on and off with seasonal allergies my whole life but 2018 changed the game. I don’t know what happened to my body chemistry or why but I’m telling you I had itchy watery eyes and a stuffy/runny nose for an entire year. So in January I went to see an allergy specialist. You may not think that’s a big deal. Oh you were sick and you went to see a Dr? Big whoop. But, for me, this was huge. I don’t take care of myself as a rule. I take care of everyone else. I mean I do the bare minimum. Yearly mammogram and pap smear. Dental cleaning every 6 months. That’s it. I don’t even have a Primary Care Doctor. Is my cholesterol high? No idea. Never had it checked. Maybe that will be my change for December 🙂

So I visited the specialist and was tested for a zillion allergens. Spoiler alert…I’m allergic to everything. This includes wheat, milk, almonds and walnuts. Wheat ya’ll. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to avoid wheat? I had a pretty good idea of what my food allergies/intolerances were from the 2 Whole 30 cycles that I’ve done in the past few years. But having a Dr confirm my suspicions was both empowering and depressing.  The Dr put me on 3 daily prescriptions and weekly shots. I’m writing this during the height of allergy season and I have to say, the regimen is helping. I’m not 100% symptom free but I feel so much better than I did last year.

The interesting thing about these 3 habits that I’m addressing so far is that they all force me to address my body outside the scope of weight loss. This can be a hard shift when the focus has been on metabolism only for such a long time.

Since it’s January 29, it’s definitely time to tell you about my New Year’s resolution.

Many of you will remember that 5 or so years ago I resolved to lose 100 pounds. And I would like to take this opportunity to tell you that I exceeded that goal. I’ve actually lost 40 pounds 3 times in the past 5 years which equals 120 pounds. Suck it haters! I’ve also regained that 40 pounds each time. (Insert sad trombone sound here.)

But if you think public humiliation will stop me from a never ending quest to fit into my jeans, well friend… you must be new here.

That being said, my resolutions for 2019 have little to do with weight loss. In fact, as I began thinking about things I’d like to change in my life, I was shocked that the things that came to mind were strangely unrelated to being fat. Don’t be scared for me though. I’m still focused on improving my health. I’m not elbow deep in a box of doughnuts or anything.

As I contemplated my years of failure to achieve a “New Me”, I decided that maybe I could focus on changing 12 small things in my life. They aren’t earth shaking, monumental goals. Just 12 small habits or behaviors that might (gasp!) actually improve my life. The first one started by accident. I was shopping with my daughters and my oldest Savannah was trying to persuade her sister to start a daily habit of using body lotion. “I challenge you to try it Kaylee, she said. It will change your life.” Kaylee and I both just stared at her. See, we don’t actually talk this way. It was like Tony Robbins had invaded my child. Lotion is gonna change our lives? So even though we made fun of her about it for the rest of the trip, I threw a bottle in my cart. After my shower, I slathered on the lotion but didn’t think I was creating some massive change in the state of my life. And then this weird thing happened. I kept doing it. Every time I showered, I put the lotion on. At one point (because I’m a lunatic) I even timed how long the lotioning process took. 2 minutes.

via GIPHY

I realized that I’m really good at grand intentions but I suck at the small stuff. This 2 minute lotion habit morphed into a 5 minute daily regimen. (I added facial wash and moisturizer. I’m old. This is necessary.) I’ve been doing this daily without much thought for almost 2 months now. My skin feels like silk. Seriously, if you see me in public, rub me. You won’t believe how soft I am. And this stupid lotion habit has taught me something. I can change. It might be in small increments but it can happen.

And now I’m ready to tackle a new goal for February. It’s as goofy as lotion. So come back in a month and we’ll see what happened.

I’m back ya’ll!

And guess what?

I’m still fat.

I’m also still awesome so quit getting your knickers in a twist regarding my self esteem.

I mean, yeah, I never actually left but apparently it’s been like 8 months since I had a coherent thought.  Time flies friends.

Basically the longer I went without posting, the easier it was to stay away.  I felt like every time I sat down to write, I could only come up with this.

Still trying.  Succeeding often. Failing often.

It helps me to remember that if losing weight was easy, Slimfast would be out of business and women’s magazine would have nothing to publish other than ridiculously complicated recipes to make Easter baskets out of fruit roll ups.

I won’t offer you any excuses because I don’t play that game but permit me a small explanation of sorts.

Have you ever tackled a big job like reorganizing your closet and then ended up sidetracked by a smaller job like cleaning every corner of your closet with a magic eraser?  No?  Just me then?

Well that’s metaphorically what’s been happening to me.  I set this big goal.  And as I began to take the steps to achieve it I encountered all this stuff along the way.  And yes these things were distractions but they were also necessary roadblocks. I have learned a lot about why I do the things I do.  I have changed some behavior that I thought would always be a struggle for me. I have cataloged all the lies I tell myself ( the list is long people). And let me tell you, the closet may still be a big ole mess, but one corner of it is spotless.

“Where do you want to take this body?”, Jen asked.

A simple question with a complicated answer.

The first thing that entered my mind.  Senior Night.  October 2015.  My oldest daughter will be a senior in high school next year.  (SERIOUSLY I DO NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW!) And for the last 4 years I have watched from my post in the concession stand as the current seniors get recognized on the football field with their parents.  It’s not a formal event.  If your kid isn’t involved you are very likely skipping the ceremony to stand in line for delicious Texas cheese fries (our specialty!)

From the very first time I watched this process, I thought “Surely I won’t still be fat when it’s Savannah’s turn.”  And year after year, I had the same thought.  And now that moment is 9 months away.

My daughter will not be ashamed of me if I am still the exact same size next October.  No one will point or make fun of me.  Honestly almost all people in the world never even think about me at all.

But I want to celebrate that moment with my child without shame.  I want to focus  on what a fantastic woman she has become.  I want to celebrate her hard work and perseverance.  And I don’t want to think about myself at all.  I don’t want to spend hours picking an outfit that will hide me.  I don’t want to tug on my clothes during the whole deal in an obsessive attempt to make sure all parts are covered at all times. I want to get my picture taken with that beautiful kid and post it on Facebook.

I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer to Jen’s question.  I’m sure some people in the class envisioned a marathon, or a 5k or some other really awesome fitness goal.  Others were possibly thinking of a class reunion, a wedding or some other pressure filled social event.

But I want to take my body to my life.  To the boring day in, day out nonsense that we weave together to form our existence.  I want to take my body to the grocery store, to the library, to the post office, to church.  I want to take this body everywhere I go.  And look, if I get to take it in skinny jeans and a crop top, I’m ok with that .

Ok, here we are 2 days into 2015.  My first goal year is over but I ain’t finished yet.

So let’s take a look at the numbers for 2014.

• Pounds lost – 37
• Workouts Completed – 156 (This is an educated guess.  It may have been more.  It definitely wasn’t less.)
• Times I wanted to quit – 300
• Times I actually quit – 0
• Number of people living in my house on January 1, 2014 – 6
• Number of people living in my house on January 1, 2015 – 9
• Number of times the 9 people living in my house almost drove me to alcoholism – 546,785,680
• Number of unmodified push ups I could do on January 1, 2014 –  0
• Number of unmodified push ups I could do on January 1, 2015 – 13  (TAKE THAT HIGH SCHOOL GYM TEACHER!!!)
• Pants size lost – 3  ( I am ridiculously close to being able to share jeans with my daughters.  I am thrilled by this.  They are not thrilled in the least.)

Obviously I wish that first number was different.  I wish I could have declared victory with a glass of calorie free club soda while wearing a sequined pair of hot pants on New Year’s Eve.  I also wish I owned a pair of sequined hot pants.  But I digress…

I did  consider lying and calling it a 40 pound loss for the year because, for some reason, 40 just seems like a lot more than 37?  But it’s a bit late in the game for me to start lying now.  It is what it is.  A 37 pound loss for the year.  I’m not upset, or ashamed or depressed by this.

But I am determined to charge forward into the new year. Don’t worry.  I’ve learned my lesson.  My goal is not to lose 100 pounds in 2015.

I have a new resolution.

I am going to lose 63 pounds in 2015.

This number is based on hard science including metabolic changes, hormonal abnormalities and caloric equations.  I calculated macros, ketos, ratios, and Oreos.

Just kidding.

I just subtracted the amount I lost in 2014 from my original 100 pound goal.

Life is complicated enough.  Best to keep a diet as simple as possible.

Jon Acuff (my internet bestie) is calling 2015 the “Do Over” year.  And I love the concept.  But for me, 2015 isn’t about restarting, recommitting or rededicating.

2015 is just my year of  “…to be continued.”