The 1st Day of my 43rd Year

The 1st Day of my 43rd Year

So after no blogging for far too long it felt a bit too narcissistic to post on my actual birthday.  So I waited until the day after.

I can’t say I’m sorry to wave bye bye to my 42nd year.  It was less than awesome.  In the past 365 days, I have injured both knees (not at the same time cuz that would have been far too convenient!).  The first caused lots of pain but healed nicely with physical therapy.  The second one was way more annoying.  Surgical repair.  6 weeks on crutches (which, of course I didn’t do) and now I’m facing 8 to 12 weeks of physical therapy.  Let me make sure you understand me.  In the big scheme of things this is no big deal.  I have friends who have battled cancer, kidney disease and a host of terrible health issues.  I know that a  chubby girl who can’t stop falling and screwing up her knees is not the stuff of sympathy worthy posts. But to fully understand the roller coaster of depression, shame, anger and fury I have been on for the past year, well…the injuries are kind of important.  Having been lucky enough to live most of my life pain free, I can tell you this.  I’m just not tough enough to have chronic health problems.  My hat’s off to those of you who battle this every day.  I now have a new appreciation for people addicted to pain meds.  I totally get it now.  Because, if we’re being honest, we’re all addicted to not being in pain.  But most of us don’t have to prove it every day.  And pain is just so exhausting.  No one seems to talk about this.  I used to think a lot about a lot of things.  Poetry, music, art, politics.  As an introvert, my life is lived mainly in my head and there’s just a lot going on up there.  I am a ridiculously interesting person in my mind.  I rarely get bored.  But this year most of those interesting thoughts were replaced with one thought…”Ouch”. When it hurts to walk, sleep, sit or stand, you just tend to focus on that.  And it wasn’t far into this adventure that I realized no one wants to hear that your knee hurts 20 times a day.  I totally get this but can I tell you that a person in pain wants to mention this 3000 times a day so if you know someone like this, try to cut em a break.


So, what else happened this year?

I discovered I can’t eat dairy.  This is literally worse than the knee problems.  More on the Whole 30 and how it changed my life but I still hate it in a later post.

Emily got a place of her own.  She’s happy as a clam and living quite independently.  So yay!  But I miss Kayden so much.  So Boo!

I got to visit Ireland and France as a tag-a-long on one of Kevin’s business trips.  Once in a lifetime experience.  Still seems like I dreamed it.

Savannah graduated high school.  Got her first real job over the summer and then started college this fall.  I saved my mental breakdown until she moved into the dorms.  She comes home every weekend but I still feel like the world is off kilter without her living at home.

My website is chugging along.  We were featured in an article in the National media.  We continue to publish a weekly article in an actual newspaper that no one probably reads.  We aren’t generating an income yet but Lauren and I are putting our profits into a retirement account which is ironic as mompreneurs never actually get to stop working.

We’ve attended two churches in the past 2 years and both of the pastors have quit for different reasons.  I don’t blame myself obviously but I’m positive God is trying to teach me something.

The kids are all ok.  Not without struggles and challenges of course (are we ever?)  But we’ve had worse years for sure.

I am still married.  (I never take this for granted.)

God loves me as much today as he did 366 days ago.  ( I never take this for granted either.)


So here we go 43.

The Goal – Week 84

The Goal – Week 84


I’m back ya’ll!

And guess what?

I’m still fat.

I’m also still awesome so quit getting your knickers in a twist regarding my self esteem.


I mean, yeah, I never actually left but apparently it’s been like 8 months since I had a coherent thought.  Time flies friends.

Basically the longer I went without posting, the easier it was to stay away.  I felt like every time I sat down to write, I could only come up with this.

Still trying.  Succeeding often. Failing often.

It helps me to remember that if losing weight was easy, Slimfast would be out of business and women’s magazine would have nothing to publish other than ridiculously complicated recipes to make Easter baskets out of fruit roll ups.

I won’t offer you any excuses because I don’t play that game but permit me a small explanation of sorts.

Have you ever tackled a big job like reorganizing your closet and then ended up sidetracked by a smaller job like cleaning every corner of your closet with a magic eraser?  No?  Just me then?

Well that’s metaphorically what’s been happening to me.  I set this big goal.  And as I began to take the steps to achieve it I encountered all this stuff along the way.  And yes these things were distractions but they were also necessary roadblocks. I have learned a lot about why I do the things I do.  I have changed some behavior that I thought would always be a struggle for me. I have cataloged all the lies I tell myself ( the list is long people). And let me tell you, the closet may still be a big ole mess, but one corner of it is spotless.




The Goal – Week 56

The Goal – Week 56



“Where do you want to take this body?”, Jen asked.

A simple question with a complicated answer.

The first thing that entered my mind.  Senior Night.  October 2015.  My oldest daughter will be a senior in high school next year.  (SERIOUSLY I DO NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW!) And for the last 4 years I have watched from my post in the concession stand as the current seniors get recognized on the football field with their parents.  It’s not a formal event.  If your kid isn’t involved you are very likely skipping the ceremony to stand in line for delicious Texas cheese fries (our specialty!)

From the very first time I watched this process, I thought “Surely I won’t still be fat when it’s Savannah’s turn.”  And year after year, I had the same thought.  And now that moment is 9 months away.

My daughter will not be ashamed of me if I am still the exact same size next October.  No one will point or make fun of me.  Honestly almost all people in the world never even think about me at all.

But I want to celebrate that moment with my child without shame.  I want to focus  on what a fantastic woman she has become.  I want to celebrate her hard work and perseverance.  And I don’t want to think about myself at all.  I don’t want to spend hours picking an outfit that will hide me.  I don’t want to tug on my clothes during the whole deal in an obsessive attempt to make sure all parts are covered at all times. I want to get my picture taken with that beautiful kid and post it on Facebook.

I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer to Jen’s question.  I’m sure some people in the class envisioned a marathon, or a 5k or some other really awesome fitness goal.  Others were possibly thinking of a class reunion, a wedding or some other pressure filled social event.

But I want to take my body to my life.  To the boring day in, day out nonsense that we weave together to form our existence.  I want to take my body to the grocery store, to the library, to the post office, to church.  I want to take this body everywhere I go.  And look, if I get to take it in skinny jeans and a crop top, I’m ok with that .


The Goal – Week 52

The Goal – Week 52

  • new year2


Ok, here we are 2 days into 2015.  My first goal year is over but I ain’t finished yet.

So let’s take a look at the numbers for 2014.

  • Pounds lost – 37
  • Workouts Completed – 156 (This is an educated guess.  It may have been more.  It definitely wasn’t less.)
  • Times I wanted to quit – 300
  • Times I actually quit – 0
  • Number of people living in my house on January 1, 2014 – 6
  • Number of people living in my house on January 1, 2015 – 9
  • Number of times the 9 people living in my house almost drove me to alcoholism – 546,785,680
  • Number of unmodified push ups I could do on January 1, 2014 –  0
  • Number of unmodified push ups I could do on January 1, 2015 – 13  (TAKE THAT HIGH SCHOOL GYM TEACHER!!!)
  • Pants size lost – 3  ( I am ridiculously close to being able to share jeans with my daughters.  I am thrilled by this.  They are not thrilled in the least.)

Obviously I wish that first number was different.  I wish I could have declared victory with a glass of calorie free club soda while wearing a sequined pair of hot pants on New Year’s Eve.  I also wish I owned a pair of sequined hot pants.  But I digress…

I did  consider lying and calling it a 40 pound loss for the year because, for some reason, 40 just seems like a lot more than 37?  But it’s a bit late in the game for me to start lying now.  It is what it is.  A 37 pound loss for the year.  I’m not upset, or ashamed or depressed by this.

But I am determined to charge forward into the new year. Don’t worry.  I’ve learned my lesson.  My goal is not to lose 100 pounds in 2015.

I have a new resolution.

I am going to lose 63 pounds in 2015.

This number is based on hard science including metabolic changes, hormonal abnormalities and caloric equations.  I calculated macros, ketos, ratios, and Oreos.

Just kidding.

I just subtracted the amount I lost in 2014 from my original 100 pound goal.

Life is complicated enough.  Best to keep a diet as simple as possible.

Jon Acuff (my internet bestie) is calling 2015 the “Do Over” year.  And I love the concept.  But for me, 2015 isn’t about restarting, recommitting or rededicating.

2015 is just my year of  “…to be continued.”


The Goal – Week 51

The Goal – Week 51



When it comes to weight loss, it seems most of us are obsessed with the “Before” and the “After”.  I’m no different.  I don’t dwell a lot on the before.  But I plan my after the way some of you spend your mythical lottery winnings.  My favorite fantasy for the after?  The pictures.  I’ve avoided the camera for so long, people think I am running from the law.  But when it’s after, I have a long list of photo shoots planned.

– Me in a pair of big pants

– Me and Jen both wearing the big pants.  There may be a thumbs up involved in this one.  Regardless, I will be getting this print on enlarged canvas and hanging it on top of my fireplace.

– Me in the old jeans.

– Me in THE jeans

-Me in exercise clothes that aren’t pajamas.  I may get one of those spray on six packs too.  Or maybe I’ll just use photoshop.

– New profile pic for Facebook (This is only to redeem myself from the ‘friend’ that made of fun of me for keeping an old profile where I am thin.  This always bothered me because my intention was never to try to fool anyone.  Everyone I know knows how big I am.  But it’s far past time to change it.)

The thing is…

It’s not after yet.

So here I am at what should be the end of this journey.  And the finish line is far, far away right now.

I’m way past the Before but I’m not close to the After.

I am firmly in the ‘During“.

There are no accolades for the during.  No photoshoots.  No parties.  No YouTube time lapse videos.

But I refuse to not acknowledge this season.  I choose to celebrate it.  All these thoughts, and words and posts are my gifts to myself.  Because honestly ya’ll, most of our lives are lived in the during.  And when you think about it, we’re all in the during, aren’t we?  Yours might be different than mine.  Yours might be easier or more difficult and come next year, it may be completely different.

So as this year winds it’s way down, I face it’s conclusion with joy and anticipation.

I am enduring.