Archives for August 2007

Since Ryan has remarried and had the new baby, he and his wife have been on a moderately successful PR blitz to give their relationship some legitimacy. Their idea being that the past is the past and let’s just forget about all that stuff and move on. To that end, Ryan inquired as to whether I might ever develop a friendly relationship with his wife. You see she is no longer the calculating hussy who set about to destroy my family…she is his wife and the mother of his child. Surely we have loads in common now. Think of all the fun we could have. We could sit around reminiscing about the good old days… “Remember when I was in labor and you came to the hospital and everybody but me knew that you were messing around with my husband?” “What about all the times you would call the house and hang up when I answered?” Then we could braid each other’s hair and make brownies or something.

I didn’t argue. I just calmly informed him that that was Not.Gonna.Happen. He didn’t press the issue but I knew it was bound to surface again. When he came to pick the girls up this weekend he casually asked me if I had a bible concordance he could look at. I gave it to him. He sat down with it at the kitchen table and flipped pages for about 90 seconds. He looked up and said “Do you know where that verse comes from that talks about loving your enemy?” I walked to the table found the verse he was requesting and pointed to the entry. “Do you have a bible around here?” he asked? I could have pointed out that he knew perfectly well that there were at least six bibles on the three bookshelves surrounding him on each wall, but I could already tell that he was putting on a little show and I admit, I was curious as to how it would play out. I handed him the bible. He read the verse out loud…twice, interrupted only by his loud “Hmmms” and deep sighing. I ignored him and continued folding the laundry until he got tired of waiting for me and packed the kids up to leave.

Of course, I know Ryan well enough to ascertain that I was supposed to ask him why he was interested in that particular verse. This would be his opening to show me how hypocritical my feelings were toward his wife. People like this love nothing more than “catching” some professed Christian acting in a way that contradicts the bible and , honestly, any other time I would have taken the bait and verbally shredded his ass for even considering a debate with me on a biblical topic. I didn’t argue with him this time because…he’s right.

I have no snappy comeback. I am a professed Christian. I am a Baptist Sunday School teacher. I have read the bible backwards and forwards. I know what it says. But I still cannot feel anything but contempt for this woman. I know I am supposed to forgive her but I don’t know how. And I am completely ashamed that I have given her so much control over my emotions. The crazy part is that I have completely forgiven Ryan. The strongest emotion that man elicits in me now is “bemusement”. So doesn’t it stand to reason that if I could forgive the man who was supposed to love us that I could forgive this stranger who never swore any allegiance to my family in the first place?

I try desperately to live my life with a little dignity and class. It’s important to me to try to rise above my baser instincts. But in four years I have not even made eye contact with her because I am convinced that if she speaks directly to me, all the rage I have swallowed for so long will culminate in my beating the holy hell out of her in a scene which would make the worst episode of “Jerry Springer” look like “Masterpiece Theater”. Surely I am better than that.

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger…

The first blog I ever read was Eschaton. It was around 2002 and between Ryan’s very conservative family and our circle of friends at church, I couldn’t find very many people who agreed with my political ideology. While I have always had a fairly argumentative nature, the post Clinton world had taught me to keep my mouth shut. At that point, I was still a stay-at-home mom so I was isolated in a lot of ways until I discovered that the internet could be used for more than shopping. I stumbled into the blogosphere and happily took up residence. I didn’t and don’t always agree with their views and I like being detached enough to never contemplate political blogging myself. I abandon them on weekends, holidays and vacations but Monday morning generally finds me perusing my small cadre of blogs before I “really” start working.

This is my favorite blog post…ever. It never fails to make me laugh.

I recently finished The Piano Tuner a novel by Daniel Mason. The idea of the book is much more intriguing than the actual work. The basic story is that Edgar Drake, the piano tuner, is commissioned in 1886 by the British military to travel to Burma to tune the piano of an eccentric doctor/captain/diplomat stationed there. The book is very descriptive and the subtlety of the writing is quite beautiful. My only real complaint is that the book doesn’t seem fully realized. At the point that Mason ends the novel, I was just beginning to get interested. I was frustrated by the ending which seemed, to me, to be the easy way out for the author. Not unlike the hastily written last paragraph of my senior term paper. Obviously, I understand. I just expect published authors to do better. I will admit that the book has made me contemplate one question at length…Can an extraordinary experience that occurs in your super-ordinary life change you to the degree that you are unrecognizable to yourself or others?

(On a completely immature note…when I was searching Amazon.com for the picture above, I just typed “piano tuner” into the search bar. This was the second listing in the results. I had no idea such a genre even existed. I am so naive. If I had known, Christmas shopping would have been much easier last year.)