Archives for December 2009

Dear 1999 Rachel,

So…you are a happily married mother of two. By the time this decade is over you will be a happily married mother of three and stepmother of four. I know this seems impossible but trust me.

A few years from now, you will give your life to Christ. In the big scheme of things, this is the biggest decision you will ever make. You and Ryan will start attending a church. This will be important later. You will decide to have one more baby. That was a really good decision too. A year after that, Ryan will leave you for the choir leader at his dad’s church. I know this seems impossible but trust me.

Your life will completely fall apart for a while. You will have to beg for a job. You will have to leave your kids while you work. You will miss a lot of important things. You will not remember your baby’s first steps. This will always make you sad. The church you joined, along with both sides of your family will sustain you in every way possible. Your faith will deepen, mature and flourish during this dark time. I know this seems impossible but trust me.

Several years after the divorce, you will reach a very lonely place. You will start looking for dates online. You will date some very strange people. Most of them only once, thank God. You will give up on internet romance. You will sit home alone for a while. You will give the eHarmony thing one more chance when they offer you three months free. You will meet Kevin. He will actually call you back after the first date. I know this seems impossible but trust me.

You and Kevin will date for a couple of years. He has kids. You have kids. Dating will be a pain because you live in different cities. In 2008, you will get married…again. You will move, quit your job and start doing a lot of laundry. You will get a dog. It will smell bad and destroy your house. You will love it anyway. You will get two step-teens. They will smell bad and destroy your house. You will love them anyway.

You will look back on this decade and be absolutely amazed at what God has done in your life. You will be happy. I know this seems impossible but trust me.

Love,
2009 Rachel

This book was magic.

I have been in a reading slump. For some reason I thought participating in three bible studies this fall was a good idea. I learned a lot and I don’t regret a minute of it but it certainly set severe limits on my fiction reading. When all my studies wrapped up in November, I was excited to get a few weeks off to recharge.

Much to my chagrin, I made one fruitless trip to the library after another. Each time I would return with an armload of books (Is anything in the world better than an armload of books, I ask you?) And each time I would find that none of those books could interest me in the least. I began to worry. Was it me? Had three months immersed in bible study ruined me for trashy chick lit or glossy New York Times bestsellers?

Out of desperation, I ran into the library one Friday afternoon with Savannah. We were in a hurry so I grabbed the first book with an interesting cover and headed out the door. I began reading with a somewhat bad attitude. The prose seemed overly written for the first few pages. Once I gave in to it though this book was like soaking in a bubble bath while drinking hot chocolate and getting a foot massage.

It’s a very short book and I finished it the next day at Monkey Joe’s. In case you don’t know, Monkey Joe’s is an indoor jumpy type place where you pay large amounts of money to read a book while your kids run around like crazy people.

The book is about a restaraunt owner who gives a weekly cooking class. She is overly obsessed with food. I mean big time. Her class is filled with a variety of characters. This could have been a trite plot. Different people brought together to cook…blah, blah, blah. But it wasn’t. It was stunningly original.

Here is my favorite part. A long married couple are taking the cooking class. A series of flashbacks reveals that 15 years into their marriage, the wife has an affair. She sits her husband down to reveal the affair and to tell him that she is leaving him. She says that as she sits there looking at him, she realizes how much she is about to hurt him. She says that,at that moment, she knew that she would kill anyone who would hurt her husband that much. So she reveals the affair and begs for forgiveness and reconciliation. That scene caused me to literally sob while sitting at a formica table in the jumpy place. I received a lot of curious stares…mostly from my children. That scene crystallizes the agony of adultery for me. The person who you trust the most to protect you and love you does the most painful thing imaginable to you. That will mess up your emotional equalibrium for a really long time.

There are lots of other stories embedded in this little book. They are all worth reading. Take some tissues if you plan to read it in public though.

She’s finally taken my place.

For the first time in thirteen years, I won’t be spending Christmas with my ex-husband’s family. Look…I get it. You’re not supposed to celebrate holidays with your ex-husband’s family. That doesn’t mean it’s not a hard habit to break.

From the very beginning of our divorce, I knew that someday Lia would completely replace me. Ryan’s family always supported me and the girls in any way that they could. I could not have asked for more. But I always knew that eventually he would reconnect with them and that they would forgive him. That’s how it should be. I know that. I was also a major instigator of that recovery process. I have been hounding both sides for quite a few years to head in this direction. And now that they have, they don’t need me anymore.

Honestly, plenty of people still need me. I’m not trying to be pathetic here. I have a large family to love and be loved by. But some of the logistics are hard to clear up in my mind. When Ryan and I married, his brothers all had very young children. I watched them grow up. Am I still their aunt? Would I be invited or welcome at their graduations or weddings? Are they my ex-nieces and nephews? Can any one of them sit across that festive table from her without thinking of how she got there? Am I the only one who still thinks about it?

I think my new year’s resolution is gonna be to not think about it anymore. I’ll let you know how it goes.