Week Two. Well this week included yet another funeral to attend and a travelling husband. In a shocking turn of events, neither of those situations seem to be triggers for me. So…YAY! On a horrible note, the stores are now full of both Valentine and Easter candy. Can we just talk about this rationally for a minute? PEOPLE WHERE DOES THIS END?!?!?! I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO RESIST BOTH CADBURY MINI EGGS AND THOSE LITTLE HEART SHAPED BALLS OF SUGAR! So just to make sure you understand. It is now mid-January. Easter is not until April 20. Who-in-the-name-of-my-merciful-savior needs to lay in their supply of Easter treats THREE MONTHS in advance!?!?!?! It’s madness. Let’s talk about something else.
It’s time to admit that I didn’t wake up on December 31 and decide it would be a great idea to finally get ahold of my health. I started laying the foundation months ago. That foundation was made of sweat and tears ya’ll. It has not been pretty.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you knew the right thing to do but continued to choose not to do it? That was me when my friend Jen started health coaching. I encouraged her. I encouraged my friends to seek her help. And I pretended I had no need for such services. Which, if you think about it, was pretty hilarious.
I avoided her help for a simple reason.
She knew me.
And I don’t mean she was aware of my existence. I mean that quite simply Jen knew my nonsense. She knew my excuses. She knew my defense mechanisms. She knew my excuses. She knew my struggles (both weight related and otherwise). And did I mention she knew my excuses? It’s great to be able to share yourself enough with people that they really know you. But it’s terrifying to allow people to have that power too.
Because here’s the dirty little secret.
Gluttons are liars.
They are liars because they are (I think) addicts and addicts lie.
Let me try to explain if you happen to not be an addict.
Have you ever asked a smoker how much they smoke? Whatever answer they give, just automatically add ten to the number. Same with an alcoholic. If they admit to three glasses of wine, they likely drank 6. People lie to avoid shame and whatever you are addicted to causes shame. One of my goals in sharing this struggle is to reach a level of complete honesty. You see in any part of my life other than food or exercise, I am a bastion of truth. I don’t tell the truth because I am such a morally awesome person, I’m just too dumb to remember a made up story. I tell the truth because it’s easy to remember. Also, Jesus likes it when we don’t lie.
But if you ask me who that candy bag belongs to in the floor of my minivan, I am totally blaming the kids. Are those doughnut crumbs on my pants? Nope. Remnants of a whole grain, sugar free granola bar. Ya’ll, I was the Richard Nixon of health denial. But the process of ‘coming out’ as a glutton changed that for me. You probably won’t find a candy bag in my van today, but if one exists and it’s mine, I will admit it. If I worked out, I will tell you. If I didn’t, I will tell the truth about that too. I eat what I eat. And I eat it in plain view of whoever is in my house. Truth is good. It’s easy. It’s freedom. And look, I was never fooling anyone. But now I’m legit. I’m still fat but I’m not a big, fat liar anymore.
But I was still in denial about exercise. I knew Jen could help me. But what would that help look like? Would she make me run a marathon? Give up coffee? Eat friggin kale?!?!?! We’ve been all through this about the green stuff. The only thing that scared me more than the unknown was continuing to do nothing.
So last July (yes 7 months before New Year’s Eve), Jen put up a post on Facebook. It was a simple post. ‘Come join my circuit workout at the community center. The class starts August 6th.” 5 minutes after I read that post, I was registered for the class. I’ve done a lot of hard things in the last 5 months (Don’t worry, we will talk about them all…in excruciating detail) but showing up to that first class was definitely the hardest part.
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